The Real News Behind the News

We all know that the mass media and government today, especially today with government’s new role as nanny to the nation, spoon feed to the public what they think we can handle, what they want us to know, and hide what they want hidden.

However, thanks to a long-awaited technological breakthrough by Professor Klem Kadiddlehopper at the University of Hard Knocks, Burbank, we now have heretofore un-explained explanations of all the crap news we’ve been fed lately.

Incredibly, Burbank’s Professor Emeritus has succeeded in delving into the minds and mental processes of newsmakers and can reveal their true, unexpurgated thoughts. It’s a tad scary but very revelatory breakthrough.

The prof’s methodology and formularies are being kept secret for now but Kadiddlehopper has agreed to release some of his findings on what’s behind recent news, which we will call the “K-view:”

News Story: Pelosi Won’t Give Public a Week to Review Text of Health-Care Bill Before House Votes on It:

K-View: Damn, we don’t read major, or minor, legislation before we vote on it! Why should the public have a chance to read it? Those dimwits put us, ME, in power so why question what we do? Let them just eat cake, shut up, and act like the sheep we know they are: (thought by Nancy Pelosi)

News Story: Congressmen Say They Didn’t Have Chance to Read Full 1,200-Page Climate Change Bill Before Vote:

K-View: What the hell is wrong with these people? They’re actually voting to make our country a second or third-rate power! And they didn’t “have a chance to read” this pile of sh*t? (thought by Rep. John Boehner)

Boehner is such a scaredy cat. He should perk up and get positive. Hey, Botox worked magic for me. (thought by Nancy the P, her nickname in the House)

News story: Obama Seeks to Change Energy Efficiency Standards for Lightbulbs, Lights:

K-View: Ok, let’s just shove all this bullsh*t about all that mercury in the new bulbs. Mercury can’t be all that poisonous else why would those Romans name him a god. He was damned fast, I hear. I’ll stick with incandescents for my family but Americans should go fluorescent. (thought by our president)

News Story: Congressman Conyers’ Wife Resigns from Detroit City Council:

K-View: I jest hope these muthaf*ckers don’t think that jest because my lovely wife will find her sorry a*s in jail just becuz she messed with the White, bigoted system that I will cease and desist in mah efforts to get reparations. Ah been discriminated against for hundreds of years, even if ah is just 80. (thought by Rep. Conyers)

Finally, since I know all these revelations are a strain on the psyche, Professor Kadiddlehopper’s insights into the mind of Bernard Madoff, who supposedly singlehandedly made off with 65 billion dollars from greedy investors:

News Story: Bernard Madoff Gets Maximum Sentence of 150 Years:

K-View: Hee, hee, hee. What a trip! I not only screwed my fellow Jews but even a few gentiles! And they give me 150 years? I’ll be dead in 10 unless some fanatic, vicious gentile offs me in the shower tomorrow: (thought by Bernie )

I can’t vouch for any of the above but I can wish it’s all true, except for Bernie. I wish he lives to at least 221 and loves showers, and vaseline.

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